The Status of Women..from what I've seen

One of the most glaring differences I’ve encountered thus far is a decided distinction in the way Kenyan women are viewed and expected to behave. Kenya, and most of Africa, functions according to the structures of a patriarchal society, and even in the most modern, cosmopolitan cities (such as Nairobi) this structure is very much intact. The treatment of women has perhaps been one of the most difficult things to watch, and also to experience and so I’ve tried to understand and analyze both how the society is set up and why in order to reserve judgment and better understand what I both witness and undergo as just a major cultural difference.

Like many aspects of Kenyan society, gender roles relate back to tribal history and practices. In tribal societies, the main role of a woman is to bear children and take care of her husband. This expectation absolutely translates to modern Kenya. Unmarried women are viewed with suspicion and construed as “failures,” or “damaged goods,” even in the most progressive circles. A woman does not really have any social clout unless she has had children. And not just one, but many children (Kenyans have large families, having one child is virtually unheard of.) Furthermore, traditional courtship rituals are very much intact. In these relationships men are the pursuers, and women are the perused. It is never the reverse. Women must also play “hard to get.” In tribal cultures girls would tell a guy “no” although she meant “yes,” for quite a while, as it is not culturally acceptable to say “yes” right away. Male/female relationships here are rarely straightforward. Thus, to Kenyan men, “no” does not actually mean “no” as they are used to having to persist until a woman gives way. So in order to tell a man NO here—and get the message across that you mean it—you have to be very conscious of how you say it—no smiling, NO coy behavior, just a flat, cold “no I am not interested,” which you may have to repeat several times, until they give up. I realize that this refusal to take “no” as “no,” a touchy subject in America, is actually not due to lack of respect—necessarily. It really just is a cultural difference in the way that men and women are socialized.

Continually, space is clearly demarcated by gender. Men are almost never found in the kitchen. Even in modern house holds, the role of the man is to go to work, and the role of the woman is to oversee and take care of the home, the children and mostly her husband (and by take care of, I mean feed and um…pleasure.) Fathers are rarely home, and when they are, wives generally cater to their every need. Sometimes it’s like constantly living in Pleasantville—whenever you walk into a home the mother will INSIST that you eat something and have something to drink and you cannot tell an African mother no about food…Mama Rose insists that I gain at least 2 kilos before I leave, and if I leave anything on my plate I get a lecture about how I’m too thin. See what I mean? Food is their domain (and they do it well, I might add.) But when I told mama I don’t know how to cook she responded, “Ay! I will teach you! I must teach you; otherwise you will never be prepared for marriage.” So I hope my husband likes African food, because that is all I will know how to make (and cooking for himself, because Africa is not going to change me THAT much.) However in all matters, inside or outside the home, men have the final say. They also have control over all property, bank accounts, assets etc…pre-nuptial agreements don’t really exist here…because before marriage everything a woman has belongs to her father, and generally speaking women leave their father’s houses directly for their husbands…living by yourself as a young woman is not culturally acceptable, and living with a man to whom you’re not married…well that’s probably worse. (One note before I continue, many Kenyan women do have successful careers, but they ALSO look after their homes, and these assigned roles do still generally apply).

Bargaining for a wife is also quite interesting here—and still happens in traditional tribal cultures, especially in Swahili cultures (meaning people of the coast, a largely Islamic population.) When a young Swahili youth wants to take a wife, he asks the girls father, and she has virtually no say in the matter (as the role of a woman is to be obedient to both her father, and then to her husband.) Swahilis are famous for their profound (sorry couldn’t help the sarcasm) use of metaphor—so a young man won’t say “hey, I want to marry your daughter,” he will say, “I am looking to acquire a kitchen.” (Yes, that’s right, a kitchen.) If the father has more than one daughter he may even reply, “Which kitchen?”

Also, although I won’t go into this at any length here—FGM (female genital mutilation) still very much exists in Kenyan tribal cultures (certain tribes do, and others do not) however circumcision plays an important role in social position and status. I will write more about this when I know more sides of the story.

There are also two types of marriages in Kenya, and a law has recently been enacted which places women at a serious disadvantage. The first type is codified marriage—or ‘official’ marriage that takes place in a church etc. and is written down. This is actually a small percent of the marriages nation wide. The second type is customary marriages, which take place within tribal circles according to tribal customs. Unlike the US, one type of marriage is not more acceptable or even more ‘legal’ than the other, until recently. Parliament recently passed a law that states a man may marry a woman in a customary ceremony, have children with her, and then marry again within codified law (polygamy exists in Kenya) which annuls any obligation that the man has to the first wife/family (be it financial or otherwise.) This actually happens a lot. Men often take multiple wives, and many monogamous relationships are rife with infidelity—to which a wife is supposed to look the other way (and stir the stew!) But really—a wife can’t really condemn or control her husband’s behavior. (However of course there are marriages in Kenya to which none of this applies, I’m just saying that these are the expectations that permeate the culture.) But essentially, women do not have agency via independent access to land, money, or even legally guaranteed child support.

Right now there is a heated debate going on that deals with the relationship between a husband and a wife in Kenya (and thus addresses the relationship between man and woman). The issue of rape within marriage is just for the first time being talked about as something that can actually occur. However a debate has erupted as Kenyan men say that rape within marriage is not theoretically possible. Jamal, one of the academic directors best explained this attitude with a metaphor. In Kenyan culture whenever you enter a house, or go through a gate, or go into a room, an office—basically whenever you cross any threshold into a space that is not exclusively yours you MUST knock and say “hodi,” to which the person inside responds, “karibu.” Because men are the head of the household, fathers do not have to do this at the gate to their own home. Thus, about the issue of rape in marriage men say, “I don’t say hodi at the door of my house, why should I to my wife?” On this train…women cannot ask or demand that a man wear a condom, (so if you are married, and know/think that your husband is unfaithful, there is essentially nothing you can do.) Because of the very very poor sex education, many African men do not even know how to put a condom on. This is getting to be less true, and men are starting to take more precautions due to increased awareness of HIV/AIDS—but still—the onus is on the man.

However, women are revered here in a certain way that is difficult to communicate. The female body is a cultural symbol of health and beauty---and not the emaciated female form, but REAL bodies. Sure this means that men are perhaps more overt in their verbal advances on the street etc., but I think, although it is difficult for Westerners to understand (so mom do not send me another email after you read this about how you told me I’m going to get raped okay?) these sometimes “offensive come ons” are actually just a product of how the sexes are socialized, taught to interact and also a reflection of how the female body is in many ways for “observation” or the enjoyment of men in this society. So while men may holler at me etc. and while it gets under my skin I am beginning to realize that culturally this actually isn’t out of line—it’s just a means of pursuit. And in this culture the female body is in many ways an object—that is absolutely objectified, however also appreciated and even worshipped as the source of life etc. I don’t know if this all makes sense…

Being a white woman of course adds a different layer, as you stick out like a sore thumb. Men often propose to you on the street or in restaurants and clubs, but that again, is not an aggressive act, but a reaction to the fact that “muzungus” or white people, symbolize hope, wealth…a better life. So you just have to take these different modes of interaction for what they are.

Even Mama Rose, a fairly progressive woman was joking with me last night about how I am not at all shy. And she says, “I would like to see you with your boyfriend, I bet you are shyer then, I hope.” And my reaction was along the lines of….OF COURSE NOT. I don’t think that is a word he’d ever use to describe me (maybe the understatement of the year), or the way that our relationship functions—which I tried to explain, but the expectations of a relationship are just SO different here. I was also going to get my hair braided last night (so that I don’t have to wash it when we go to the rural village tomorrow!) And Mama said, “well have you asked your boyfriend permission? You should, it’s a big change!” And I was like, well, no. That would never occur to me…which I tried to say less bluntly, to which Mama just laughed (however in a loving way,) and goes, “ay! You’re a handful!”

It’s just that the expectations of a woman here seem to be in diametric opposition. Which I am trying to understand without judgment—as that is one of my goals for this experience. To see and become a part of a DRASTICALLY different world, but instead of deciding that one way to live is better than another, I just want to understand how these differences work, and how/why they exist.