IF i ever have children, why I'd like to raise them here...

So even as I have been laying here with maleria I have realized how much I love this country, and how I really feel that a lot of my life is meant to happen here I have been thinking about how IF I ever have children, I want to raise them here. So I guess this post is not so much about my having children, because that is a looong ways off…but about some amazingly appealing things about Kenya. Kenyan community is so amazing that it defies description. In fact the values that prevail in Kenyan culture as a whole are so incredibly consistent with the beliefs that I have always held near and dear it’s scary.

First of all, a child here is not just the child of the parents, but of the entire community. They are looked after, scolded, cared for, held, played with, and loved by everyone. Babies are passed around from neighbors to neighbors. The terms “brother,” and “sister,” do not just refer to biological siblings but to those friends and playmates that you grow up around, that you live with. Neighboring adults are aunts and uncles, and there is a pervading sense of love here that is unlike anyplace I’ve ever been. Family is extended to those living around you.

Generosity here is just breathtaking. I have repeatedly witnessed children as young as 5 in tattered school uniforms go to buy a snack of chips from a street vendor with their only shilling after school—a snack which they then share with their 12 friends, taking only one chip for themselves. I love that. I love that the universal sentiment here is that you get more by giving away and sharing what you have than by keeping it for yourself. I love that I have grown incredibly self-concious of how entirely selfish we Americans are, and through that growing awareness I really feel that I do not want to raise my children within such an individualistic, every-man-for-himself society. Here, you would never chew a piece of gum in front of others unless you had enough to offer a piece to everyone. You would never buy a snack on the street unless you were prepared to buy and share with everyone you are with. And this is not even because doing so would be rude, but because it would not even be enjoyable to eat if others are not eating.

Furthermore I LOVE that the emphasis here is not on things. In fact, I really feel like all the things that we westerners think we “need” really just get in the way of meaningful human interaction. Here the emphasis is not on which new gadget you need, but on relating to the people around you. Children are entertained by playing together, instead of playstation-ing together. Seeing how happy these kids are playing with just sticks makes me reflect on how so much of American childhood is about needing/wanting that new toy that was on TV yesterday. Every child unavoidably whines about how “well mommy Stacy’s mom buys her this,” or “Hannah’s mom let’s her do this,” and, “this toy is mine and no you cannot play with it” etc. etc. (a side note, I’ve never heard a Kenyan child whine.) It just seems that we are so tied up in these comparisions of material “nessecities.” I hate thinking about my child growing up watching TV, playing Nintendo, and campaigining for the new toy its best friend got from Target yesterday Even the most un-materialistic child can’t help but feel a pang of “I really want that” posh new thing that their friend brings to school to show off (instead of share) the next day. Last week I brought Otieno and all the little kids who live by me and Kennedy in Katwakera 2 tennis balls to play with as a gift. These kids have no “things” to play with, so these were quite a hit. I think that in America, fights would have broken out left and right about who got to play with them first etc. But here, they were shared diplomatically among like 20 kids. Being here I have realize how much happier I am without all that stuff. How living in Kibera with the bare minimum is liberating, preferable to a pent house and to being surrounded by the egregious consumerism that drives daily life in the states. I love that here people talk to each other to pass the time, as opposed to talking on phones, watching TV, listiening to their ipods, etc. etc. I realize how little you actually need, and how having SO much more than you need or can use actually detracts from your ability to enjoy the simple, sheer joys of life.

I love that children here are not babied, nor coddled but treated as PEOPLE as opposed to as children. Their wisdom is valued, along with their honesty. They are given responsibilities. They are expected to participate, and as such their thoughts and opionios are listened to. They look after their little siblings, babies are not treated as if they are breakable, and as such children here are mature beyond their years.

One other very important thing to me about Kenyan culture is how accepting it is. People here are taken at face value. So kids don’t try to conform, to blend in. I was explaining to Kennedy how horrible kids are to one another in middle school (for example) in the states (and how this is basically a universal phonemonon) and he was in shock. That kind of alienation, of purposeful exclusivity just does not happen here. Really. And if it did—well it would be so abnormal that it would be dealt with ASAP—but I truly can’t imagine that even being an issue. I NEVER want my child to be exposed to the kinds of social manipulations and menacing that occurs in American society, and that we allow and acknowledge as NORMAL. Here there are no loners, no outcasts, no child sits alone at lunch—just none of the teenage manipulative bullshit that is unavoidable in the states. I never want my child to feel that something is wrong with them, to question if they are loveable. I want them to be surrounded by acceptance wherever they go. I refuse to put them in situations (like um, SCHOOL, in America) where this simply will not be the case. I think that the difference ihere n the socialization of children, the respect that they show one another (and their parents by the way—I asked about teenage-parent relationships and while of course there are rocks in any parent/child relationship, I was told that kids just really respect all that their parents do for them, they appreciate all the sacrifieces they make so such dynamics are not common or tolerated here) makes it so that kids grow up feeling accepted. Because they are. It’s as simple as that. You can be different, you can be yourself. And that’s fine. That’s just expected. You aren’t viewed strangely, you are just acknowledged. I so want my children to feel that. To grow up without pressures to change or conform or present themself in a different way. I want them to live feeling okay with themselves because they are have never been given reason to think otherwise by their community, or especially by their peers.

I don’t think that any of these problematic traits within American culture are really the fault of parents, or can even be mitigated by “good” parenting. I think that such dependency on stuff, such meanness between children, selfishness, immaturity etc. is just entirely entrenched within our culture, and therefore to raise children who do not face these issues, they must be brought up outside of the US.

Ultimately, I want my kids to know the elation brought by simplicity. I want them to appreciate real, human joys. To feel these. To know what is important. To know, love and appreciate themselves BECAUSE they are known, loved and appreciated by those around them. No matter what. I want them to feel the embrace of a community, to feel that their family is bigger than those that they share blood with. Mostly, I want them to grow up thinking of others before themselves. And sadly, I don’t think that any of this is possible within The United States of America.